New dream, new passion

i just hope this lasts, and it might be an exciting future that i may open for myself, something i enjoy, and somethings possible, and something i know that hard work will actually pay off.

School

its clearly evident that for my very last sem of my poly life, i have given up. i have maxed my capacity of certain modules in missing classes, and i dont really care. For one, no matter how well i do this sem, my gpa aint going to sky rocket and leap me into a local uni with my desired course. Secondly, as i have realised upon reflection, was that whether i gave my best or not, im still stuck with being constant, being avergae, with all B’s, so whats the diff if i give my all and i slack it away.

Some would say i give up too easily, but when you have tried so hard, for so long, in the hope of something better, and everytime that hope gets dashed, theres only that much one will continue to fight on, before he submits, to fate, or whatever you believe in.

Smile

Thanks for the effort, i appreciate it.

I miss your smile.

Life

Once again, i learnt through my daily life. As i think back and reflect, it definitely takes 2 hands to clap in all situations. Everyone needs to realise that they need to settle whatever that is internal, before they can handle any external factors, that is if they even try, for external factors, by definition are the surroundings and environment that we are unable to poke a finger into.

If we have said something, promises/convictions or what not, we ought to carry it out, be it subtle or outwardly, we need to make the effort, and people will see it, whether you intentionally show it or not. At the end of the day, i have begun to erase words off my love language, for it has started to lose its value, which comes the term “talk is cheap”. In fact, its free, we dont need to pay for the words we use, at least not in monetary value i would say, but the spillover effects/consequences is another matter per say.

Whatever the case is, i have waited long enough and I’m running thin on my patience, and if we do see the effort to improve together, i would gladly, or even want to wait for even more. I really do hope to receive, or be at the receiving end once in a while. It is really, mind blowing to have to wait for something you so desire, and wish upon it every time, at every opportunity, thinking there will be a surprise, but it never happens.

Should we be glad that we actually waited for something we want, or should we be sad that we actually had to wait. (neglecting the fact that good things are worth waiting for)

love someone that you love more?

19th.

Im finally 19. well my last year of being a teen i would say, and i guess these 19 years havent been the smoothest, but im glad i came through. My 19th wasnt the best i would say, but i still thanks those that remembered, that were present, for their gifts and wishes. Its always heartwarming to know that there are people who still remembers and cares.

This 19th definitely made me understand a little more about myself and the people around me.

Memories ; Future

upon recap of my past for 5 years, and seeing a video that, summarizes it, i cant help but realise what i have spent majority of that part of my life doing, devoting it to. Overwhelming emotions, precious memories, relationships forged.

Some things just cant be forgotten, or rather, specifically etched into a part of the brain.

Its funny how some people who seem to care for you on the surface, actually dont give a hoot about you, but those that seem distant, from your daily life, shows that gentle appreciation and concern for you from time to time.

love letters

i sometimes write poems, and when i read them later, i realize they were about you. i sometimes look at the sky, and when i feel happy seeing a flock of geese or a bright red cardinal, i think of the elation and power and happiness you bring to me. i sometimes do the craziest shit, but i always wish you were there to see. i sometimes lie down in the river behind school in the spring, and while my blood cools under the pulsating light through the trees, in a place where wind has more force and penetration, i allow your being to enter my mind, and i let it seep out into the river. it travels through the water and towards the banks, and it is now embedded in trees and grass and flowers.

you will always interest me, and therefore i will always love you. i will watch you button your shirt slowly and carefully, and that will be enough. i will see you smile when i tell a joke or say something stupid and that will be enough. i will hear you groan over some sort of unfortunate circumstance and hearing the sound of you while being invited to share in your passing annoyance, and that will be more than enough. you are everything interesting and exciting in the world. you make experiencing anything worthwhile and enjoyable. as long as you’re around, everything is right, and nothing bothers me.

i forget everything when you come into my mind.

i cannot stand being ignored.